Forget what I said about a hen whisperer yesterday, I’m going to have to go large and get Dr. Dolittle. I honestly couldn’t write this mornings escapade as fiction. I decided I would get the sitting room stove prepared so that all I had to do later on this afternoon was light it. I opened the door to clear it out and lay the fire ready and instantly a bird flew out. It had obviously come down the chimney at some point and grabbed the opportunity for freedom.
Readers, this. is. my. NEMESIS!
There was so much squawking and flapping about and the bird didn’t seem too happy either. I ran outside to calm down leaving the flappy bird in the house while I worked out a plan then I ran back in to tell the dog to stop barking at the bird and ran back out again. Wondered if the pub would sell me a large G&T for courage. Apparently at 8.00 am on a Sunday morning that’s a no. Dog going mental, situation escalating.
The bird had settled on the windowsill in the kitchen and was periodically flapping it’s wings trying to find an escape route to the great outdoors, meanwhile I was in the great outdoors trying to find courage to go in.
‘Just open a window’ I hear you cry. You might as well tell me to walk up to an angry baboon and tell it bananas have sold out. I CAN’T DO IT.
Last time this happened, over a year ago, a friend and neighbour came to my rescue, but this morning it was too early to call on her. I was stranded with a flappy bird, a barking dog, and three hens who have now taken free ranging to the max and have maps and a compass round their necks ready to set off into the wild when I let them out. I decided I was going to have to do it in stages.
Step 1 Calm barking dog by putting her in isolation so she couldn’t see the flappy bird while I dealt with steps 2-14.
Step 2. Coax hens back to base with a handful of sweetcorn. Wait, that means going back into the kitchen with the bird.
Step 3. Skip step two
Step 4. Remind myself I’m a strong female woman who can do this.
Step 5. Consider texting Orkney Beef to see if he will drive the half hour journey back from work to let the bird out then drive back again in the middle of a 12 our shift.
Step 6. Abandon step five, I know what the answer will be.
Step 7. Creep into kitchen in stealth mode and open the window at the opposite end of the kitchen as wide as possible without flappy bird seeing me, flying round my head and pecking into my brain.
Step 8. Offer a prayer of thanks that Orkney Beef knocked through the kitchen and dining room thus creating a room big enough for me to be at opposite ends to the bird.
Step 9. Retreat back outside and suddenly find I’m brave enough to shout ‘here bird, over here!’
Step 10. Feel stupid about step 9
Step 11. Consider leaving a trail of bread crumbs to the open window to trick the bird in a reverse Hansel and Gretel style to freedom.
Step 12. Coax hens back to their house with empty hand, pretending I have sweetcorn with the promise I will get them some when bird leaves the kitchen.
Step 13. Wait patiently until eventually bird spots the open window.
Step 14. Fist pump the air when the bird finally flew out.
When all had settled down and I stopped shaking I went into the garage to find something to defrost for tea and found TWO BIRDS FLAPPING ABOUT IN THERE! Honestly.
(Teenage Son slept through the whole thing)
The day ended better than it started, I spotted my first crocus open today and a Primula in flower too. Until the next time and thank you for reading.