Norq From Ork

This evening I had a mini master class on how to work the all singing all dancing remote control for the new all singing all dancing smart tv.  I am no further forward and ended up t̶h̶r̶o̶w̶i̶n̶g̶  handing them back and saying ‘well I can’t do it’ There are about 20 buttons on it and I will probably only ever use 3 of them.  Smart tv’s also need smart owners and I didn’t have a passing 3 year old to show me how to set it up and and use it all so the job fell to Orkney Beef.  It didn’t end well and it reminded me of some other things he’s tried to teach me about over the years.

There was the hanging wallpaper lesson.  Basically Orkney Beef decided to wallpaper a room and thought it would be a good opportunity to show me how to do it. I would rather pay someone else to do it than learn as I’ve no patience for that kind of thing.  I’d managed over 40 years without ever hanging wallpaper and in my view I could manage the next 40 without doing it too. There were scenes akin to Laurel and Hardy and eventually I was allowed only to hold the pencil and make the tea while he did the rest without me.

Then there was the time he tried to teach me how to reverse a 4 wheel drive car with a trailer on it.  I think I nearly cried at that one.  After about 5 attempts, and all I did was jack knife every time, I had a strop and told him I wasn’t interested in learning how to reverse a  stupid trailer.

‘but how will you get the car facing the way you want it to with a trailer on the back if you don’t learn?’

‘the whole point of having a 4 wheel drive is so I can drive it right the way around the house and then it will be facing the correct way! duh!’

Lesson over.

Recently the boiler broke down and we had to call ‘the man’ to come and fix it. While here he showed me what to do if the pressure dropped by turning a little tap thing. I asked him if the boiler would blow up if I touched it and he kindly told me no,  but this is why I’m generally not to be trusted with certain aspects of household life.  My qualities lie very much elsewhere like for example loading the dishwasher correctly, but that’s for a whole other time.