Dear Tourist

Welcome to Orkney. You are joining a steady stream of tens of thousands of people coming to check out the beauty of this place which tends to happen between May and September. Maybe you’re here to see the many historical sights, or follow the craft trail, try the fantastic local food and drink or check out the beaches and views. Whatever your reason for visiting I hope you enjoy your stay and are made very welcome. I have just one or two pointers to help maximise your enjoyment and ensure your safety and comfort.

When walking around the streets can I politely ask you to please pay attention to the direction in which you are going? I realise there are many wonderful sights and sounds to take in and enjoy but there are several things to consider for your safety. Stepping blindly out into the road whilst looking at your map or pointing to a quaint building, is actually quite dangerous. I know it’s not New York, London, Paris or Madrid here but even so, road safety and common sense is still required.
Please try to avoid stopping dead in your tracks when you see something over there, up there, just here or where you’ve just walked past. This means others behind you have to perform the ‘Tourist Emergency Stop’ to avoid a multiple person pile up. When liners are in there can be several thousand people in the street and we all have to squish in and try to reach our destinations unharmed. (This can actually be applied to every city. I had to perform several ‘Tourist Emergency Stops’ whilst in Edinburgh recently and in fact been the cause several times too.)
We are very sorry about the weather. We can’t do any thing about it, neither can we predict it. We generally hate the wind and rain as much as you do so please dress appropriately. We don’t know if it’s going to rain tomorrow, be cold in June, windy in August or sunny in September. If we could predict the weather we’d all be millionaires and living on a yacht. May I suggest you pack for all four seasons in one day plus perhaps some bonus seasons that we don’t even have a name for and you should be fine.
Yes, that’s correct, there is very little if any 3G never mind 4G. It’s frustrating I agree but think of the joy on your faces when the boat docks or plane lands back on the mainland and that sign pops up on your phone again. Something to look forward to, no?
Peedie means small. It’ll save you having to ask. You’re welcome
With these few items to bear in mind I’m sure you’ll have a great visit here. Now go and enjoy the s̶u̶n̶s̶h̶i̶n̶e̶,̶ ̶w̶i̶n̶d̶,̶ ̶r̶a̶i̶n̶,̶ ̶ sunshine.
Finally, just to prove I am equally guilty of the tourist emergency stop please see my earlier blog where I write about myself on being a tourist