How to load a dishwasher

‘I’m still waiting for the dishwasher one’ 

These were the words spoken from The Mothership yesterday and not for the first time.  I was recently sitting in a meeting and noticed I had a missed call from her.  She was away on holiday at the time and wouldn’t usually call in the middle of the day like that, whilst sunning herself. I thought I was going to be sick.  Something must’ve happened to Father Bear for her to be phoning, so I text saying I was in a meeting and was everything ok? yes everything was fine, came the reply.  She was just calling to see if I’d done a blog? (!!!) I told her no I hadn’t and reminded her that even God had a day of rest.  So I’m taking the hint and doing ‘the dishwasher one’

This all started here when I spoke about my lack of skills in certain tasks around the house but loading the dishwasher correctly was something I could do. This produced quite an email/message response as houses clearly remain divided up and down the land over this delicate area. I admit it’s a first world problem (along with tissues left in the pockets before a wash) but readers, it’s not rocket science.

All the mugs should be placed upside down and in a neat row along the top with all the handles facing the same way. That way you can maximise space and get a more efficient wash as well as things washing properly. Simple right? So why does it look like Orkney Beef has stood on the far side of the kitchen and thrown the plates, cups and cutlery somewhere vaguely near the dishwasher/sink area and hoped for the best? In fact sometimes I think there’s space left over enough for me to climb in the dishwasher and do the dishes myself. I’m a fairly easy  going person all told but my control freackish ways concerning dishwashers leads to me feeling quite unwell just thinking about.  This is something I’ve learned from The Mothership who has been expertly loading dishwashers since probably the late 70s. I guess this is why she’s so been looking forward to ‘the dishwasher one’ since I hinted at it.

UNloading the dishwasher is a completely different kettle of fish.  I am more than happy for anyone to do that miserable task provided they put things back where they came from and dry off the little puddles of water that collect in everything. This is usually Teenage Son’s job along with calmly fixing the printer, computer and phone before his lunatic mother takes a hammer to the whole lot. We all have our skills. Maybe I should rename him Tech Support.

By  the way if you think I’m being harsh on Orkney Beef then I can assure you he does well in other areas.  For instance he can manage the washing machine  (once I showed him it was the big white thing with the circle on the front) and he’s never happier than when he’s poking around with the wood burning stove or cutting the grass,  a job I loathe.  But sorry OB, when it comes to the dishwasher there’s only room in the kitchen for one of us.  Kindly leave it to a professional and go and amuse yourself in the shed where you are an expert in your field.





4 thoughts on “How to load a dishwasher

  1. So many questions.
    What about plastic on the bottom shelf? OK, or satanic?
    Cooking knives pointing up to save the basket or down to save bloodshed?
    Is is OK to double-stack low priority items like the spatter screen?
    Glassware? Can that ever be dishwashered?

    Come ON, Orkynork, THESE issues rank alongside sitting-on-the-washer-during-the-final-spin, RIGHT at the HEART of modern relationships. Crack the dishwasher dynamic and the 21st century is yours to novelize. Yes.

    Go to it. I know I can trust you.


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