The Man’s Guide to BBQs

I was out visiting a friend today and I received two text messages.  One from my husband and one from my son.  They went like this.

Orkney Beef:  I was wondering if you fancied a BBQ tonight?

Tech Support: Dad was wondering if you fancied a BBQ tonight. (Please say yes)

Both sound fairly simple but there was a coded message behind it.  MI5 would have a job cracking it but I know the men in my life and had the whole thing sussed in no time.

Decoded messages

  • We want a BBQ.
  • We have decided to ask you if you would like a BBQ but the decision is made and we are having a BBQ.
  • We want to make it look like you have the final say on the BBQ, that way it’s up to you to buy all the food for the BBQ on your way home.
  • Buy meat.
  • Buy more meat.
  • Buy a bit of that green stuff you force us to eat if it keeps you happy.
  • Buy beer.
  • Buy Irn Bru even though you moan about fizzy drinks and sugar and teeth.  Just buy the sugar free stuff and relax.
  • We are going to light the BBQ, poke the BBQ, watch the BBQ etc and cook the meat, you are not permitted to touch the BBQ.
  • You can deal with the green stuff.
  • Did you get enough meat?
  • Tomorrow, once the BBQ is finished, we will revert to have no interest in cooking , that’s your job, until the next time we decide it’s time for a BBQ.

I arrived home and the BBQ was in full swing.  Well in so much as it was lit and there was meat on it but more meat was needed obviously.  There was some question mark over whether it was hot enough and it was taking its time to cook and the big black cloud which had been all over Orkney but for where we lived, was making its way over to ours. It started raining so we  I ended up finishing the cooking in the kitchen anyway.

Usual story.

Orkney Beef with Orkney Beef and a big black cloud

One thought on “The Man’s Guide to BBQs

  1. Reblogged this on Norq From Ork and commented:

    So today I went to work and left my husband and son home alone which is never a good idea because they take notions for doing things like BBQs at the first whiff of sunshine. Call me a killjoy if you want but I know what’s coming. It wasn’t long before the warning came. A text from my son suggesting the great outdoor event. This was quickly followed by reassuring messages from my husband that it was all in hand. I suggested checking the weather report but was assured that was in hand too. So I’m just leaving work and I get a call suggesting I hurry home as it was now cooked. WHAT?! I’m just leaving work and it takes half an hour to drive home so there was huge potential for a plate of charcoaled mess by the time I arrived. But Orkney Beef said he’d put it in the oven to keep warm and stop it burning until I got home, and I eventually arrived later than ever because I got stuck behind three tractors and the weather was cold but we were being forced to have fun and enjoy a BBQ. I snuck in the house and got my winter coat as I was so cold and we scarfed down the BBQ before the rain came, and then I discovered he had taken the food from the oven and set it back on the BBQ (still in the oven dish ) and I only discovered this because the dish fell on the ground and smashed. (For reference, it was a Pampered Chef fancy expensive thing that I’ve managed to keep alive for ten years but ho hum.) Anyway We finished the food, including the sausage which had landed on the floor and been blown on because that somehow kills the germs, a quick blow on the food right? and I said was it ok to go inside now as I was so cold and yes I’d had a lovely BBQ. The whole thing lasted about 15 minutes and now he’s looking at gas BBQs online so we may have to go through this whole process again. Anyway, it reminded me of a blog I wrote last year in a history repeating itself type way…..


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